supporting
single moms

Hi.  This is K from Georgia and I am dealing with some serious anger issues about being a single parent.  I came to a full realization of this about a month ago when I was discussing my disappointments about my ex to a girlfriend of mine (who has no children) who I have been knowing for over 15 years.  Her response was that a) agreement that he's an idiot  b) there's nothing I can do about it  and c) that I shouldn't let it make me angry.  I agreed with a and b, but c????  I tried to just talk like I agreed with her, but after I hung up the phone I was nearly furious.  It probably wasn't a good idea to discuss it with her in the first place, because there is no way that she can relate.  But I needed someone to talk to at the time.  The truth of the matter is that I do have a lot of anger.  My ex husband has spent all of 1 day with our 8 year old daughter in the last 2.5 years and we live 30 minutes away from one another.  I got tired of him standing us up after a year and stopped asking.  He pays child support but as you know, there's no law that enforces him to not be an a*& hole with visitation.  I feel like I have no life most of the time and that it's because of him!  I have gotten to the point where it's hard for me to appreciate my daughter sometimes, and that makes me feel even worse.  Money is very, very tight these days.  Sometimes after I turn down yet another enjoyable adult activity because I don't have anyone to watch my daughter, I am so pissed.  Then I think about my ex, out there doing whatever the hell he wants to do...whenever he wants to do it.  He never gets her for the weekend, holidays or anything.  My family lives a thousand miles away.  And there I am, stuck in the house and pissed off.  I try my best to play it off, but then I realize that it's not working after I look at my little girl with tears rolling down her face because I completely blew my stack over the fact that she spilled chili on the carpet.  I have even noticed that if I look at her in a certain way, she will cut off in a middle of a sentence and go to her room.  I feel like I am taking away from my child's happiness and that is the last thing in the world that I want to do.  I keep telling myself that when my finances, etc. improve, then things will get better.  However, I am mature enough to know that's bull and that despite the pressing finances, this anger stuff is not something that can be remedied with external stuff.  I need some advice.  Has anyone out there been where I am right now?

You're friend I think had the right intention just not the right wording.  Anger can be a powerful motivator when put toward the right focus.  In the heat of the moment there's not a whole lot to do.  In order to decrease some of it, I've found that I need to start seeing things in a different perspective.  Right now I'm dealing with an ex who is a malicious, evil man.  The kind that will do anything to hurt me or make my life miserable.  Because we're in a custody battle there isn't anything I can do to retaliate so I need to find alternatives to dealing with my anger towards him.  One is just acceptance.  I was told acceptance is seeing something for what it is, without any value attatched. It is what it is.  It's not good, not bad, just is.  I try that and for the most part it works, not all the time though.  I'm socially isolated as well due to both finances and the ex turning every acquantance we had against me so there's not a whole lot of support for me in that department.  I try things like journaling.  I can totally vent on paper, not caring about spelling, grammer or whether or not it makes sense, just getting it out. I also pray alot. I'm not religious, just believe in a power greater than me. And I pray for my ex to receive the love, peace, wealth, and abundance that I desire. The more often I do that the more my anger disapates. Unfotunately though, some days (like today) he just gets the best of me and I crack. Today there was a lot of crying, which I don't normally do. But there's only so much someone can take before they start to break.  Once I got all the frustration and anger out with a couple good cries I'm more in control of my feelings and better able to implement one of the previous methods of coping I mentioned.  Hope this was helpful.

Thanks for your response E.   I'm sorry that your ex is being so malicious.  I think that people who behave that way are miserable themselves, and the only thing they know how to do is try to bring other people down to their level.  It's great that you are doing so many positive things by accepting, writing and praying.  You have certainly encouraged me BIG TIME!   You are coping with the ups and downs with healthy practices.  I have SO not been doing that.  Not only have I been mad as hell, but on top of that I was mad about the fact that I was mad.  All that I have been doing is kind of creating my own self spinning tornado of anger.  Is it benefiting me? Nope.  Is it making my ex "pay" for my disappointment?  Nope.  I am going to try a few new and positive coping practices starting now!  Thanks!

K

Glad you got something out of my post. I suppose the real important thing is perseverance. And knowing that we're human. I have a hard time with that. I expect myself to just be perfect in a sense. To never let him get the best of me, or to never get frustrated, overwhelmed, or down. A feeling is just a feeling. We have the ultimate control on how that feeling is acted out.

Sounds like you only think of yourself and you should look at what your doing to everone around you including your kids.  My goodness!  You need to put the kids first and do whats best for them.  Do you buy toys for yourself before you them?  Do you need to lie to everyone around you when you make a mistake so they think your someone your not?  Do you break things and blame them on someone else?  Why are you so affraid that your friends will find out who you really are?  Good God do you need to get honest with yourself or you could be in for a life of misery. You could end up in A.A. or worse you could pretend to be in A.A. just for the sympathy.

I've been there and done it, so stop the lies and get real with people.

Trina (mother of three)